Couldn't Be
by Wammy's House Dropout
Summary: Sometimes denial is the most powerful drug- a look at Light Yagami through his family's eyes.


Hi everyone! I'm back with another random character study that may or may not make any sense. I was just doing insomnia-fueled psychology research and got an itch to write :D

I don't own Death Note or any of the characters. We know this, right? XD

* * *

Sachiko could pinpoint the exact moment when she realized that something was truly, deeply wrong with her oldest child.

Light was almost five years old at the time, and Sayu was eighteen months. Sayu was laying in her playpen, having just fallen asleep. Light was reading silently on the floor beside her, as he often did- he was such a quiet boy. Sachiko had been paying bills at the dining room table, but must have dozed off at some point. She'd been so very tired since Sayu was born...

When she comes back to consciousness, a flood of dread swells up in her chest; the feeling mothers often get when their children are in danger.

She stands up uneasily, calling to her child with a shaky voice.

"...Light?"

No answer. Sachiko half-runs to the living room-

Light had climbed into the playpen with his baby sister, pillow clutched in his tiny hands. And under the pillow…

"What on Earth are you _doing,_ Light?! Take that off your sister this instant!"

The boy turns to his mother, wearing the most serene expression on his angelic face, as though his mother isn't screaming in desperation. Sayu's little limbs flail beneath him desperately.

"She was crying," he said simply. "I was worried she would wake you up, but I couldn't get her to be quiet. She's not a very good listener."

The boy moves the pillow away from Sayu's face, which is tinted purple from lack of air. The baby draws great gasps of air, and begins to cry. Sachiko snatches her out of the playpen and cradles her in shaking arms.

"Are you okay, mom?" Light asks, cocking his head like a little puppy.

"...Go to your room, Light." His mother orders.

Light obeys.

He always does.

Sachiko sinks into the sofa, not trusting her wobbly legs to support her anymore. She clutches Sayu close to her, and cries with her daughter.

Poor little Sayu, who had been at the mercy of her older brother, holding that pillow and smothering his own flesh and blood.

Worst of all, however, had been the look on her eldest child's face.

Before Sachiko had made her presence known, she caught a look on Light's face she'd never seen before. A twisted, hateful look, full of so much rage it seemed that he might burst. A look that told Sachiko, loud and clear that her boy wanted nothing more than to kill a helpless infant for the crime of daring to cry.

That look which had been replaced with a look of such peaceful innocence he might actually be an angel.

But that was silly. He was just a child. (Right?)

When she had approached Light in his bedroom later, he hugged his mother and turned wide, brown eyes glistening with tears up toward her.

"I'm sorry, mom," he whimpered, with all the innocence of a child. "I didn't mean to do a bad thing…"

Sachiko didn't know what to say. She knelt down and hugged him back, trying to hide her troubled expression from him.

She never told Soichiro what happened.

He already worried so much. Besides, it had to be a mistake, didn't it?

There was no way Light would ever actually kill his own little sister.

* * *

"You look tired, dad."

Soichiro looks over at his eight-year-old son, bringing a fresh cup of tea into his office. He gives a weary smile and takes it out of Light's hands.

"Thank you, son."

Light glances over his father's shoulder to the papers on the desk.

"You're working on a murder case at work, aren't you?"

"How did you know that?" He demands. Light shrugs his shoulders.

"I heard you on the phone."

Soichiro heaves a deep sigh and tries to relax. Of course- Light's room was right next to his office, after all. It made sense that he would hear things every once in awhile.

"Oh."

A little smile plays about Light's lips.

"Did you get to see the body?" he asks, sounding more excited than an eight-year-old should be about the prospect of murder.

"Well, Light…"

"When you catch the guy who did it, are you gonna kill him too?"

His gleeful smile is nauseating.

"I think you should. Rotten people like him shouldn't get to live."

Where the _hell_ did Light get that idea from?!

He doesn't get the chance to ask that, however.

"Big bwother! Big bwother, where are you?"

Sayu sticks her head in the doorway, pouting and huffing indignantly.

"You said we'd go to the park today, big bwother! You _pwomised!"_

Light lets out a laugh that sounds too artificial.

"Sorry, Sayu. I forgot- but we'll leave right now, okay?"

"Yay!" Sayu cheers, bouncing and clapping her hands for joy. She grabs Light's arm and latches on, tugging him along and giggling in excitement.

"We'll be back by dinner, okay dad?" Light says, not turning to look back at his father.

"...Yeah. That's fine."

Soichiro watches his children leave, Light's words still spinning in his mind. That face he had made- there was something very wrong about how he had smiled.

" _Rotten people like him shouldn't get to live."_

* * *

Sayu remembers her big brother's pet hamster better than she should, given that she was only about six when Light got it for his ninth birthday.

Light seemed excited about it, hugging their parents and thanking them with a warm smile.

He threw himself wholeheartedly into the task of being a hamster-parent; he fed the little animal twice a day- before he left for school and after he returned home, like clockwork. He often took it out of the cage and let it climb around on his bed, while he watched it dutifully so it didn't get hurt. The little creature sat on Light's desk while he did homework, nibbling on seeds or nuts that Light bought with his allowance.

Mom and dad were weird when they watched Light take care of his new little pet- as if they had been worried, but received just enough reassurance. Sayu was bothered by this, but she never thinks to ask about it.

One day, mom and dad went out for the night, leaving Light in charge. He let Sayu watch television alone while he supposedly did homework in his room.

She watched cartoons for about an hour, before she began to get bored. She turns it off and goes into the kitchen to get an apple from the fridge. Then-

-Was she imagining things?

...there it was again. A definite squeak. Like a mouse.

Or...a hamster?

Sayu follows the sounds down the hall, outside Light's bedroom door.

"Big brother?"

"...aren't you gonna die, already?"

She freezes.

"Come on, idiot. How much does it take to kill you?"

Sayu doesn't dare move or breathe, lest Light catch her spying on him.

"Come on. Just die already. This is such a pain."

Sayu stifles a whimper of distress.

There's no way her big brother could be...This has to be fake, right? He's just messing around, right? This has to be some sort of trick...it has to be.

She opens the door as quietly as she dared.

Light is sitting at his desk. His pet hamster is on the desktop as usual. But something is wrong. Very wrong.

The poor little animal is twitching violently, writhing and squeaking as if in great agony. When Light notices his sister come in, he is quick to hide the little white jar of _something_ that lay next to the creature.

"Big brother...what's going on?"

Light looks up at her with a bored sort of expression.

"Chiisana is sick," he says bluntly. "I think she's gonna die."

"But she was fine yesterday, wasn't she?" Sayu asks, her voice cracking a little. "What happened?"

"I don't know." Light replies, in the same flat voice.

It never crossed her mind that her big brother might be lying.

Sayu finds herself crying for the fate of the poor little creature. Light gets up from his chair and gives her a hug.

"Hey, don't be sad. It's gonna be alright. I promise."

Chiisana lingered a few days longer after that, before finally succumbing. Sayu didn't tell her parents about the little white jar on Light's desk, or how strange he had been acting.

And even if she did- would they believe her?

* * *

As Light grew older, he seemed to leave behind those callous habits that so worried his family. He became kinder, it seemed. More caring. Less callous. The troubling child he had been turned into a soft-spoken and well-mannered boy that was the pride and joy of his family.

He gave his all in academic pursuits, and excelled above and beyond his peers. He took up tennis in the fifth grade, and (much like in everything else Light did) he soon rose to the top of his class.

It seemed that those behaviors which so worried Sachiko and Soichiro were so worried about were merely a phase, which Light had outgrown with the rest of his childish things.

He was a dutiful son and a caring older brother, intelligent and growing into quite a handsome young man. He aspired to become an officer, just like his father. Truly the epitome of what the son of Soichiro Yagami should be.

One day, during Light's senior year of high school, he emerged from his bedroom wearing the warmest smile Soichiro had ever seen. He greeted his mother and sister with eager embraces, and looked as though all was right in the world.

He couldn't help but wonder, however, if, just maybe, Light had only gotten better at keeping those darker thoughts secret.

It was a thought he tried to ignore, but one that was brought kicking and screaming to the forefront of his mind when, one day, L gives him the words that turn his blood to ice, and sends the world crashing down around him.

"I believe your son may be Kira."

He doesn't want to believe it is possible. He doesn't want to believe that any child of his could be a killer, let alone one as ruthless and unforgiving as Kira. He wants to believe that his son is exactly the honorable and dutiful son he portrayed himself as.

Yet, in the bottom of his heart, he knew that it wasn't impossible.

The thought tortures him on his way home, gnawing at him like rats at paper.

He doesn't want to believe it.

No.

He _can't_ believe it.

He refuses to accept that his own son could be so heartless.

Soichiro opens the door to his house, and is greeted by a kiss from his ever-patient and loving wife. Sayu is watching Hideki Ryuuga on television, and Light…

"Where's Light?" He asks.

"He'll be down soon- dinner's almost ready." Sachiko says.

Soichiro heaves a great sigh and rubs his tired eyes.

As she had said, the boy comes down the stairs mere minutes later, as polished and immaculate as ever.

"Oh, hi dad. I didn't know you'd be home this early."

Soichiro watches his son intently. Watches his eyes, his face, his body language. If Light were Kira, surely one of those things would betray him. Surely some small action would give him away.

Light is...the same as ever. Same soft smile, same warm brown eyes. Same confident (though by no means cocky) demeanor.

The same Light Yagami Soichiro knew. The same one he was hoping for.

Soichiro tries to put the matter from his mind. No matter what L said, he would not believe that his son could be such a monster. There was just no way.

Right?

* * *

Reviews are always appreciated :D


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